FEAR AND NOT FEARING

A,

SINCE YOU'RE ADOPTING THE LOWER-CASES, I'LL TAKE THE UPPER-CASES. THERE, HOW'S THAT? BUT PLEASE KNOW, THE LIGNAN OF MY LETTERS DOES NOT MEAN I AM YELLING OR OVER EXCITED.

I'M FEELING EMOTIONAL A. IT'S SUNDAY AND I'VE HAD A MIXTURE OF ACCOMPLISHED TASKS, SUNSHINE, GREEN'S BEER, INTELLIGENTSIA COFFEE, AND TALKS ABOUT FILMS AND BOOKS AND PLAYS. THE COMBINATION OF THOSE THINGS GETS ME TO THINKING ABOUT THE WEEK AND THEN FURTHER BEYOND, ABOUT MY LIFE–WHAT I AM ACCOMPLISHING AND WHAT I HAVE NOT YET? IN TRUTH IT MAKES ME THINK OF EVERYTHING I WANT TO CHANGE AND AM JUST NOT ALTERING QUICKLY ENOUGH FOR THIS FAST-PACED WORLD. NO, I AM NOT INADEQUATE OR LAZY. BUT FEARFUL, I RELUCTANTLY ADMIT, I AM. I SEE IT IN MY WRITING, IN SOME VIDEOS I'VE MADE. IT'S FUNNY ACTUALLY: I CENSOR MYSELF EVEN IN MY PRIVATE JOURNAL. NOT FOR FEAR OF SOMEONE PICKING IT UP AND READING IT TODAY OR TOMORROW, BUT OF SOMEONE PUBLISHING IT AND YEARS FROM NOW READING A SECTION ALOUD AND IN REACTION TO THE PASSAGE TO SAY, "I KNOW HE NEVER WOULD HAVE FELT THAT WAY, ANGRY AND MEEK, WHY DID HE LIE LIKE THAT?" ISN'T THAT COMPLETELY SILLY AND IRRATIONAL?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PICTURES. I ESPECIALLY LIKED THE CEILING OF THE GLOBE. I NEVER WOULD HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE AT THAT ANGLE. I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON THE FLOOR OF THE STAGE WHERE ALL THE ACTION HAPPENS. BUT I SUPPOSE THE CEILING IS JUST AS IMPORTANT, BECAUSE ALL EFFORTS EXECUTED ON THE STAGE ARE IN AN ATTEMPT TO PIERCE BEYOND THE STAGE, THROUGH THE CEILING, INTO THE HEARTS OF THE AUDIENCE.

MAYBE THAT'S IT A, I DON'T KNOW WHO MY AUDIENCE IS FOR, OR EVEN IF I HAVE ONE. AND THAT IS WHAT IS SCARY.

I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I HAVE SUCH CONFIDENCE ABOUT THIS YEAR. I KNOW GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN AND YET I STILL LET MYSELF FEEL THIS WAY, THIS FEARFUL & SMALL WAY. WHY CAN'T I CONSTANTLY BE BUOYED? ......I SUPPOSE THAT WOULD BE OBNOXIOUS.

HERE IS A PICTURE FOR YOU: THE FIRST SUNSET OF 2011

photo courtesy of Rebecca Cox.

LOVE, SALT, FEAR, DEPENDABLILITY,

B

P.S. DON'T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF, OR YOUR STYLE. I LOVE YOUR HEPBURN-ESQUE LOOK, YOU AUDREY GIRL.

P.P.S. IF YOU SEE THE KATE MOSS EXHIBIT AT THE LOUVRE WILL YOU SEND ME PICTURES OR A BROCHURE OR SOMETHING? I'M INTERESTED.

LOVE AGAIN.