Anxiety Over A Decision

Why is it I labor, I dwell, I sweat, lose sleep, lose appetite over deciding what monologue to audition with? It seems every audition that calls for a one - two minute contemporary monologue sends me into a state of stricken panic. Thoughts rush through my head like freight trains: "The right piece doesn't exist!" --> "Nothing is good enough!" --> "Why doesn't anyone write anything good?"

Ridiculous thoughts. But at the moment they seem so real and true. In the end I always find something suitable, strong, and fitting for the character's requirements. But in the inbetween......I lose my mind.

I have been meaning to, for some time, to craft a handful of monologues, polish them to a place nearing perfection, and have them ready at the bat at any time, at any chance meeting. And yet, I haven't done it. Why not?

Women in their 40s are just cooler

I have whittled my way into a lovely group of women. I believe all of them are in their 40s. Our meeting place changes every week and so I am getting a special jaunt and tour of Los Angeles from a brand new perspective. - No more bars, now it's taverns. - No more cantinas, now it's tapas.
Our topics of conversation range from parenting, to work, to poetry, to films from all ages (last week it was the 1940s), to love lives, to food, etc. The topics aren't that different from my friends who are 23-30, with the exception of the children's stories; but these women are very special and have a vibrance all their own. I find that when I leave them I feel lighter, luminous, as if I have laughed so much I am walking above the ground. I don't feel that way around people in their 20s. I am so much in the place of carving out my place, my name, my ownership that it is often I am in such serious conversations with friends in my age bracket.
That is why I always say I can't wait to be 30. I will be a fabulous woman. And I always say I can't wait to be a sassy old lady. I will have gray hair, but streak it purple, and I'll wear braids for the first time in my life. I'll wear high heels and great jackets and just be funky. I hope I'll wear lipstick too.
I am making steps toward being cool, funky, and free now, at this age too. I bought red lipstick. Oooh la la. One of my lovely ladies of the 40s told me, "Oh you're awesome," when she saw my bright, red lips. And Ooooh I felt cool.
I'm not sure why I am not allowed to be as cool as I will be in my 60s, right now; but I am working on breaking the case.

the list

I am adding to the list of people I need to thank/ remember/ buy dinner/ pay back once I have a successful career in the acting business.

The list includes paying for two childrens' college tuition to private schools; it also includes those crazy gift baskets that are sometimes 4 feet tall that only neighbors or really old relatives receive on special holidays. There are some less extreme thank yous too: dinner at the favorite Street & Company in Portland, Maine; paying back $500 and maybe some interest; a lifetime supply of Intelligentsia coffee.....oh, I guess I am hedging back to the extremes again...but they are so much more fun.