Feeling Blue

Whenever I feel blue I like to look at the people I admire, and the people who rocked the 60s with fearlessness and a somewhat dazed path. Hence, Miss Brigitte to the left.

I have been feeling so down. It's like the spring upheaval. I always feel a little out of control in the spring. My mother says it's because there is a lot more energy coming up from the ground; new shoots, new flowers, everything is being born again. But I have just been feeling low, instead of newly born.

I have very little money. Never a great feeling. I put too much importance on money, this I know. But I do not like the lingering worries of not being able to pay my bills. Someone asked me the other day how I do it. I didn't know what she meant. Do what? I asked. Pay for everything, support yourself, do your parents help out? No, I pay for my car, my insurance, my school loans, my rent (a great rent price), food, gas, utilities, the list is long and starting to sound like a whine. I do not want to whine here; it just surprised me that I have been doing without my parent's support for a while. My mum helps here and there when she can. But I certainly don't have a savings or a trust fund or any kind of real net. And I've known for a long, long time I don't have my parent's support--she can't do it. My grandfather can't do it. My father doesn't make it available.

I got myself to carry and this I have always been able to do: jobs have popped up conveniently, money has come in at the last second, I have been a steady worker while trying to maintain my peace and my balance and my craft and love for acting. And soon to resume, painting.

I feel far away from my goals. And it's as if I have trapped myself from moving forward. It's like my thoughts of doubt and attempts at smoothing the present out are just putting up stone walls in the future, and I find myself smacking into them. There is very little action on actor's access. And I can't tell you how tired I am of non-union projects and student films, however great the content or lovely the people, it is not want I want to be doing. I can't help but envy friends who are booking pilots and filming features.

I feel broken and like I'm sliding down a hill, but trying to keep my eyes on the summit, but my heart is heavy and heavier all the time.

How can I turn myself around, alter my perspective? I just don't know right now. I just keep muttering, My Time Will Come.